My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
birth control should be required to get into college
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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