Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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