She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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