Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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