You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize