So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have demons in me.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize