They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
