Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
