I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
