Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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