Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
