you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
