I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
