I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
