my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
