why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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