theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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