mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
