his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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