Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
