I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
