my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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