I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
