just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
