and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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