I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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