Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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