New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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