My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
