the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
sarcasm needs its own font
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize