Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
