I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
