I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
