connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize