Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
