Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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