We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
