mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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