Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
