She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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