I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
