Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
