quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
