First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
