I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
