I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I am naked and annoyed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
