ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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