my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
