Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize