plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
