I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
