I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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