I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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