I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
