remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I see more hoeing in ur future
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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