god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
