Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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