Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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