i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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