giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I still have a little drunk in my system
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
