I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
