Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize