My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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