isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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